Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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