I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
