I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
