Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
