i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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