My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
