Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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