eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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