I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
