Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
