Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
