i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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