I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize