he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
