Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
