The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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