how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
