If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
