Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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