1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
