Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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