Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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