I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Girls should come with a carfax report
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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