My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize