I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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