I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize