i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
