when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
