it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
