I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
