I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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