You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
