I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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