I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
