your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
