Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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