My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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