I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
