I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
