You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
