my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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