If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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