I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
