you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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