If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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