What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My vagina just clenched in fear
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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