i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
