i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
