u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
