you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
