I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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