Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
