Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
