Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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