So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
