READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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