I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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