That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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