Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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