Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
