I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
