I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
