you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
