have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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